Uranium & Radium

Radium, a radioactive element, very unstable and lethal.

It was discovered by a very talented female scientist, Marie Curie, yet it was also the thing that killed her.

Similar to that deadly element, I own an unstable mind which has the ability to fuck me over. No one wishes to be unstable but it's inevitable and when it chooses you, you just have to live with it. At first it was like a nightmare, uncontrollable and scary, I just wanted to wake up but I couldn't. I was locked inside a burning room, raging in pain, poisoned by incomplete combustion. All I wanted to do was to break down and cry but tears were limited, almost none. I was hurting people that I loved and I was afraid of my own self. Writing this in past tense make it seems like I'm stable now but trust me I'm fucking not. As I said you just have to live with but you can suppress it, put on mask and pretend that everything is fine, although you're exploding internally. Sounds easy huh? It's fucking not. It took me a month to fully know how to learn a butterfly knife trick but until now I still can't fully cope with my unstable mind.

Let me just briefly explain what having an unstable mind is like. I had to google the psychological name for this "Borderline personality disorder" or BPD. Some common symptoms for this are; unstable emotions, deep insecurity (not just mild insecurity), impulsive behaviour and self-harm. By the way I am NOT a psychologist so I'm not capable of diagnosing or treating anyone. Ok let's break this down (if it feels like a psychology lesson, I'm sorry I'm just a nerd).

Unstable emotions meaning that one moment you might be in extreme joy yet the next moment you just feel like absolute shit, the difference here from a mood swing (PMS) is that it doesn't only occur prior to your period, it happens almost daily for a long period of time. Imagine skyping your friend/boy friend and you guys are just having a good time then suddenly you just want to fucking crawl up into a ball because you feel so fucking insecure (this is for another rainy day) and terrified of everything around you. Now plus that with a pessimistic mind and depression, there you have it, a recipe for disaster. That is me. Moments like that I fucking hate myself, I mean most of the time I already do but especially then.

When you have nothing and feel sad it's a normal human response to compensate with lacking something but when you have everything and life is suppose to be a breeze yet you still fucking feel sad then you know there's something wrong (I realised this after reading the book "Error 404" or "Lỗi" by Plaaastic, if you guys are Vietnamese I do recommend).

Hmm, where do I even start with the impulsive behaviour? I've punched walls countless amount of times, almost got hit by cars and bikes, also, countless amount of times. I played with my butterfly knife, cut myself from it (many times) yet I'm still playing with it, but I'll never forget when I collided with a car in Singapore. All for the adrenaline rush of feeling alive, I just wanted to go faster and faster until it was too late and I tried to hard brake on my bicycle but ,shit, it was too late and it was also a rental bike. The scary thing here is that, instead of being aware or afraid I was laughing at the situation. I could've been injured but I was just joking about it. Yes, I did all these things from impulsions yet most of the times I just covered it up with "I'm just clumsy". When the impulsive behaviours lead to self harm, you know you are fucked. My impulsions have left me with many scars that I just have to accept, I mean I caused them, lmao.

Living, knowing that you have the ability to hurt people around you, it sucks, but when you've seen it and experienced it, it's a fucking shit show. To those I've hurt, if you are reading this, I'm sorry and you have every right to fucking hate my guts. For those who've experienced it and stayed, thank you and please ready for more. On a positive note though, I'm handling it a lot better, and if you are experiencing the same, don't be scared to find help. Stay strong.

That's all I guess?
Như.