Overthinking.

Hence the title, this little rant is going to be about overthinking. To some, this might be an occasional thing or just a mild overthinking but to me this is such an issue that I just can't simply over come.

Overthinking sounds normal but it becomes severe when you overthink and start thinking about the worst. I don't know whether it's because I overthink or because I'm a pessimist. It's probably both. A mixture of these things make a bad situation absolute shit.

Me overthinking leads to so many shitty things, it occurs on almost a daily basis and over everything.

An example of one of the daily things, I might "accidentally" throw my cigarette bud somewhere then I imagine that it might light something on fire then the fire spreads into something bigger, because the fire is so big it might hurt someone or many others. Then after 14304371 years of overthinking I will then either step viciously on my cigarette or pick it up and throw it somewhere safer. A normal, rational human being will just leave it because the chance of a dimly lit cigarette bud lighting the whole city on fire is quite unlikely.

A bigger and more personal story now. So I went to Singapore to visit my boyfriend for a month, but because I was stupid enough to not check my entry date I overstayed 2 days and only realised that on the day I was flying back, so I rushed to the immigration checkpoint (ICA). Since it was only 2 days and I didn't do it on purpose e.g. for a job, therefore I only got a warning and had to pay for an extension but before this happened, I thought I was fucked. Before this, when I was waiting for my number, anxiety was just engulfing me. I was panicking, swearing, basically I was shit scared. My boyfriend tried to calm me down but my thoughts were drowning me. I was just thinking of the shittiest scenarios. My thoughts went something like this, "Shit what if I go to jail, what if I can't get my student pass, what if I can't go back to Singapore". From these thoughts, more things were developed like, "What if I can't see him again, what will happen to us? he's one of the only good things in my life, my family would be so disappointed in me, I'm so fucked up, this was all my fault" and finally "I hate myself". This didn't only affect me, it was also affecting my boyfriend, luckily in the end everything was fine and I was just an illegal immigrant in Singapore for 2 days by accident (I just turned 18 like 3 months ago, before this event, great start to adulthood!).

Right now, since my student pass isn't here yet, my overthinking habit is slowly killing me.
Sometimes I wish I can function rationally and not so pessimistic but it's just one of the shitty things about me that I can't change (I tried). Or maybe everybody else also feel like this and I'm just fucking over exaggerating everything again.

Well I feel better now after ranting, thank you for reading. I'm sorry my life isn't so interesting but I told you so.
Như.