UK 6

First & foremost I'd like to say, welcome back. I know I've been gone for awhile but it has been fucking hectic with life & university & shit.

Some of you must be wondering what the fuck is "UK 6", well UK 6 here is about the clothing size. In this blog post I would like to address a fucking major problem in my life, it has been affecting my life since forever but it is also something I'm too afraid to admit.

Being on social media, it's easy to conceal the hidden issue. I have the liberty to select what to display publicly and, of course, I choose to show the best parts of my life. Except for one thing it's usually unproblematic for me to post things about my life and that one thing is my body. I am so FUCKING INSECURE about my body. Hard to believe huh? To some it might seem that I'm confident and I love my body but let me tell you it's not fucking true, not one bit.

Do you look ever look into the mirror and just break down? Cry like a fucking child and I'm not talking about sobbing, I'm talking about ugly crying. The ugly crying where your face becomes all wrinkly and you just can't stop crying In those moments nothing seems to help, not even the person you love so much. You just want to fucking disappear because you can't accept your own fucking reflection. It drives you to do things you end up regretting. Note that I'm not fucking exaggerating or bull shitting you, all of this happened to me, so many fucking times and it can happen anytime. So for those that think that it's just a typical body insecurity that you sometimes have when you are hormonal, it is not. Although you know that it's not ideal to stare at yourself in the mirror, you just can't fucking stop and the more you fucking look, the more you fucking despite yourself.

When your head is fucking with you, you just have to simply comply. Unless you fucking kill yourself there isn't much you can do.

Eating becomes stressful because even though you desire to eat, you just can't. Before eating something you must grab your phone and google the fucking calories that is in that item because you are so fucking scared of being fat even though EVERYONE around you constantly remind you that you are not. Sometimes when you starve your body for so long you begin to binge then you think about what you just ate and then you self-loathe which eventually leads to more crying. After a period of time it becomes obsessive, you start taking metabolism pills & over work yourself at the gym & pile in detox drinks hoping that it can burn of the calories that you intake. The skinnier you are the happier you are and you are willing to fucking do anything for the result. You LOVE your bones, you admire them, you caress them, you are so fucking PROUD of them.

Yet in front of others you continue to pretend that you are so fucking happy, that you are sane and that you enjoy eating. Honestly, it's fucking ridiculous.

I am far from happy and there is nothing I fucking hate more than myself. That's the truth.

Just disclaiming, not that I really care, but  I am not writing this for empathy nor for compliments. I'm writing this to express myself, to fucking clear my head and maybe help others that might go through the same shit that I am.

For those who truly concerns about me, I am getting better and for those who are battling similar or even the same monster here are some tips (ish):

1. Try to pick up yoga, you don't have to be flexible (I'm fucking not), it's about connecting with your soul and focusing on your breathing and yourself.
2. Stock up on fruits and veggies, it will come in handy when you want to snack.
3. I like to drink lemon water when I wake up, it helps me control my eating (perhaps it might help you).
4. Cliche but carry a bottle of water with you EVERYWHERE and drink it.
5. Try eating later, have fruits and veggies for breakfast then proper meals at around lunch. (Please don't trash me, this is what I do, I do not encouraging starvation, I still eat breakfast but like an apple or a banana so if you are usually hungry in the morning please eat).
6. DON'T BUY UNNECESSARY SNACKS, like try. 
7. I also love black coffee, no sugar.

I'm not a nutritionist so don't rely on me please, these are just something that I do to help ease my anxiety.

Well that's it for this blog I guess?
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